Maybe you’ve heard of Allison Bornstein’s three style word method for helping you find your personal style.

It’s a way to verbalize what you want to achieve with your outfits. It’s a useful and effective strategy, once you have chosen your three words.

Here’s an example of how it works, and doesn’t work, using the story of Lilly.

First, Lilly starts by examining her own needs, and lifestyle to select her practical word. Lilly needs to dress formally for work to be taken seriously, so she selects “professional“.

Second, she thinks about how she wants to be seen and understood. She wants to be perceived as the smart and qualified woman she is, so Lilly selects “competent“.

Third, she chooses an emotional word that conveys how she wants to feel in her work uniform. The first two words were external, but this one is internal. She thinks carefully, and then comes up with her third word as “decisive“.

Lilly want to feel empowered to make decisions confidently without being second guessed, and this word fuels her emotionally. Now, you obviously can pick any words that you like and fit your own needs within this framework. Yet, many of us struggle with finding our three meaningful words with this method.

Here’s the trouble. You are choosing words that you think you should be picking, but not your authentic words. I’ve seen it happen, and it can really stall you in your journey to find your personal style.

Let’s review our example of Lilly from above.

Nothing wrong with that. So, she invests in stiff corporate clothing and shoes in traditional dark colors. Then, she shows up on Monday, expecting to be seen as competent and feeling decisive. By Friday, she feels uninspired and drained.

She doesn’t know if she was seen as her best, because she did not feel the part. This is where she went wrong, and this is what you may be missing in picking your own three words.

We all have societal and professional expectations. The challenge is to adhere to appropriate dress codes, without losing what makes us unique. Lilly still needs to show up as a professional and stick to her company dress code. Where can she change her approach?

I ask Lilly what makes her feel decisive. She thinks for a minute and smiles. She feels decisive when she has done her homework and is poised to make quick decisions. Then, I ask her what that looks like with her wardrobe. She looks puzzled. Isn’t that what her corporate outfits were supposed to give her?

I tell her she looks professional in the stiff and dark clothing, but acknowledge that she felt uninspired and drained. When she didn’t feel her personal best, her energy did not match the confidence of the clothing. Lilly feels most powerful when she both prepared and creative.

The sparkle was soon back in Lilly’s face. She kept her corporate clothing, but mixed in some artistic accessories, and gorgeous pastels. She was still meeting her professional needs, but using her new word third word, “inspired“. She kept her first word, “professional” and “decisive” replaced her old second word. Now her professional clothes felt personal, and Lilly felt both competent and creative by leaning into her authenticity for inspiration.

Finding your style is not about fitting yourself into one word or three. You are free to experiment. I encourage my clients to let there real experience and feelings guide them. It takes some trial and error, and we don’t need to get it right the first time. Sometimes you find your words, and sometimes they find you.

💗Wishing you good style and good living.